After His Honeymoon, Ted Cruz Immediately Bought 100 Cans Of Soup

Thanks to CNN’s town hall, America just got another glimpse into the waking hell that is Heidi Cruz’s daily life. Tonight’s entry into the Heidi Cruz catalogue of the macabre: A newlywed Ted Cruz celebrates by buying 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup.

The story defies any logical, human explanation, so I’ll let Heidi do the talking:

When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.

This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. you won’t be making things.”

So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.

Questions abound.

First and foremost—why? What did this “tough conversation” consist of? Did Heidi really go back to the store to re-buy 100 cans of soup? Did she re-buy the soup in the same variety and quantity? How long does it take Ted to finish 100 cans of soup? Heidi, are you okay? You know you can tell us if you’re not okay? Also—why?

We’ve reached out to Campbell’s and also deep within ourselves for comment, and will update if and when we hear back.

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